UCI: ‘allo ‘allo! UCI doping hotline! what would you like to talk about?

rider x: …. ah… well, ah… this is kind of weird…

UCI: is this your first time, calling us?

x: um, yes… yes it is.

UCI: relax, take it easy, take a deep breath and tell me what you’re calling for.

x: i have complete anonymity right?

UCI: positively.

x: … is that a joke?

UCI: what?… oh no, sorry! i mean, yes, complete anonymity. now then, can we get on with this, we’re a bit short here and i’ve got those bloody SKINS people to deal with…

x: ok. i’m calling about EPO, HGH, masking agents and that new stuff, KaPow.

UCI: KaPow? are you taking the piss?

x: what?

UCI: are you extracting the urine? are you pulling my leg? having a laugh? what the heck is KaPow?

x: i thought you’d know, i was told –

UCI: ok, look i haven’t got time for this, let’s get on with it. EPO, HGH, masking agents, Kafriggin’Pow. who, where, & when?

x: ah, well i thought you’d tell me that…

UCI:  eh? no no, come on now, surely you know how this works…

x: erm, well, i’d hoped it’d be less complicated than this, to be honest. i thought i’d just tell you the ‘what’, and you’d tell me the where and when.

UCI: you’ve lost me.

x: this is the UCI doping line, right?

UCI: yes, of course it – oh, wait. hang on a minute. you’re not calling to tell us about someone you think or know is doping, are you…

x: um…

UCI: you’re calling to try to buy some dope – right?

x: erm…. i thought this was the UCI doping hotline…

UCI: yes, anti-doping…

x: ah… ! i see! oh erm…. oh i’m terribly sorry! i thought it all seemed a little too… convenient.

UCI: no need to apologise – you’re the sixth rider to call in making the same mistake actually, and we’ve only been open 40 minutes… they were all after dope.

x: ….i don’t suppose you have another number… do you?

UCI: don’t push your luck son.

x: right-o. bye then.

UCI: ciao.