an interview here with Max Torque, pro rider at Rabodale-Caisse-Tana, who recently tested positive for EPO, HGH, blood transfusions, Eskimo Placebo, High Grade Spanish Bull Faeces (99%) and pregnancy. Torque, who’s won jack-all in his 11 years as a pro, was banned for 23 days (retroactively), a decision he feels was unjust. he denies any wrongdoing whatsoever and challenges all the positive test results (apart from the pregnancy – he’s due in January). he contacted crankpunk in a bid to clear up the issues surrounding his case.

crankpunk: hello Max

Max Torque: [silence]

cp: er… now then Max, there’s been a lot written in the press about you recently

MT: i bring the ruckus, that’s why

cp: … what does that mean?

MT: … i’m not sure… whatever you want it to mean. are you recording this?

cp: yes, i told you i was. it’s an interview.

MT: are you a Fed?

cp: what….? no, i’m a journalist.

[at this point Torque subjected crankpunk to a body search, leaving me shaken and a little disturbed. later, i noticed my wallet was missing. Torque has yet to return my calls and texts regarding its disappearance]

MT: hmm, ok. i will have to see that you eat this tape though after this interview is over.

cp: are you serious?

MT: nah i’m just fooling! but, you will have to eat it.

cp: … now then Max, if we can begin. essentially you deny all accusations of doping.

MT: i do

cp: despite testing positive for EPO, HG-

MT: ok ok, i know what i took – i mean – what… i’m accused… of taking. and it’s all a lie.

cp: but you tested positive for everything, twice within 12 days. that’s 6 tests, double samples, so effectively 12 positives. the lab said they’d never seen such a high percentage of Spanish Bull Faeces. you were almost off the charts.

MT: … what are you saying?

cp: that you’re full of bullsh*t.

MT: look, i was spiked. or the testing procedure was wrong. or the lab rats were paid to return those positives. or you’re lying. and i eat a lot of beef, i mean, i practically bovine. or – [at this point a lawyer came into the room and whispered into Max Torque’s ear]  – ok, he said i’m gonna have to bake the spliff. i’m baking the spliff, all the way. i’m baked.

cp: what? baking the… do you mean taking the 5th?

MT: [again, the lawyer whispered into Torque’s ear] Shut up. Just stop talking.

cp: … did he just tell you to shut up and stop talking?

MT: look, let me be clear on this – i cannot answer that question without implicating myself and so i say to myself  to the best of my abilities that i love the sport and that you should too and that you should believe better than you do, cos it’s a beautiful thing and i want to thank my sponsors and yes, i believe you are correct on that point but in fact i do not recall the original question nor the date you mentioned nor the thing we are actually talking about.

cp: [at this point the lawyer sighed heavily before leaving the room] ok, Max, in your own words, how do you actually think the EPO, HGH etc etc came to be in your system?

MT: i never doped. let me be clear on that. it may have been that i was drugged, however, without my knowledge.

cp: are you saying that your team doctor doped you?

MT: did i say that? jeez i am on so much stuff right now i can’t remember what the heck i had for breakfast. look, there was a day i remember, vaguely, when a doctor somewhere told me to take some stuff and it was in a bag. it was hanging on the wall, on a picture hook. it had a brand name, on the bag if i remember, OPE, something like that. it’s all very vague, there were so many days like that. i mean… it happened once.

cp: OPE…

MT: oh yeah man, i took truckloads of the stuff. that and HGH, spelt funny, like, backwards.

cp: backwards…

MT: yeah, actually there was another one called OMIKSE something or other.

cp: so, your defense is that you didn’t know that OPE was EPO, that HGH ‘spelt funny’ wasn’t in fact Human Growth Hormone with a backwards ‘G’, and that OMIKSE wasn’t in fact Eskimo Placebo? seriously?

MT: look, you can put words in my mouth and drugs up my nose all day, but the fact is –

[at this point the interview had to be terminated. the fire alarm rang and the hotel was evacuated. there was never any fire discovered. Torque has not been seen since]