carbon monoxide: the new EPO?

yeah you read right. i’m a couple of months behind the wagon on this one but after being sent the link to this story, i knew i’d found the material that would hump my leg out of hibernation. utterly, fantasmagorically unbelievable as it may seem, someone, somewhere, has their mouth wrapped around a hosepipe that’s attached to the back of a family four-door saloon. and the really sad thing is, they’re not trying to end it all…

pssssst! want some pipe? i'm your man!
pssssst! want some pipe? i’m your man!

apparently sucking in gut loads of the ever human-friendly, heart-stopping, brain-cell killing gas evokes a response in the kidneys that produces more of our natural EPO. wonderful. if ever you needed a miserable, depressing tale to ring in the New Year, this is it. it’s not enough to pump EPO into your arse, or arm, or wherever they do it, with a needle, oh no. confirming that the human race is truly capable of anything, guys are sucking deadly pipe as you read, just to ride up a hill faster. that’s not crankpunking, that’s SKANKpunking…

apparently just after the recipient has gulped down his lung load of carbon monoxide, the body goes ‘hmm, this is f***ed up, i’m losing oxygen…’ and it notices this because the carbon monoxide ‘replaces’ (or destroys) the oxygen in the haemoglobin molecule in the red blood cell. the body then goes into repair mode and very forcefully instructs the kidneys to produce more EPO to counterbalance the lack of oxygen, which means more red blood cells and therefore an improvement in the blood’s ability to take in oxygen.

if you live of course. if you don’t, well, um, maybe your insurance covers stupid suicide. or maybe you could get famous on the Darwin Awards.

got it? good. want to try it? no? what’s wrong with you? don’t you want to be the best that you can be? sucker…

this isn’t illegal. so. i feel like i’m posting ‘the dummies guide to how to make a road-side splinter bomb with household items.’

anyway! happy new year! crank on. enjoy the stupidity of this, please, rather than getting depressed…

Author: Lee Rodgers

Cycling coach, race organiser, former professional cyclist and the original CrankPunk.

4 thoughts

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