guest writer Max Torque makes a couple of perky, pertinent points

former professional EPO taker Max Torque tells it like he sees it, and, to be honest, he sees it like no one else could possibly see it. here he gives a brief dissertation of this beginner’s guide film out of Russia.

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no no no no! there are several things i have no time for when it comes to cycling, and innacuracy, sloppy technique, inadequate clothing and the waste of natural resources are pretty darned high amongst them. and this film from Russia has the lot. it’s like a ‘how-not-to‘ for beginners…

first of all no self-respecting cyclist would have a Shimano groupset yet be using a Campagnolo bidon, so straight from the off it’s pretty obvious that this is an amateur job. if that faux pas wasn’t enough to get the blood boiling, where the heck is this young lass’s jersey? is she from a housing project? if she needs kit i’d be more than happy to start a fund for her. if Paul Kimmage can rake in close to $100,000 then i’m sure Olga here could get $100 for a decent Castelli top. at the very least she can be thankful her fellow riders will be wearing protective eyewear – with a chest like that she could be poking someone’s eye out and end up dealing with a court case.

she then mounts the bicycle with no apparent concern for the correct direction she should be facing. if she’s after doing stunt riding she best learn the basics first. evidence of her lack of experience comes when she attempts to inflate the tire whilst holding the pump the wrong way round. improper use of equipment could lead to serious injury – not only is she at risk of pneumonia from inadequate clothing, she could well end up with a bulging blood bubble if she traps her finger in the pump.

towards the end we can hear a heart beat but i don’t see a heart-rate monitor anywhere near her. i’m all for the suspension of disbelief but that’s a stretch too far. and then, as though this claptrap weren’t chafing enough, she sprays herself with water, completely missing her mouth. how could she be hot when she hasn’t even ridden anywhere? does this young woman understand that there’s a global shortage of water looming that could well lead us into an apocalyptic doom in the very near future? i think not.

think on lass, think on… tut-tut.

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the views expressed by Max Torque in no way reflect those of crankpunk, and if there is a crossover it’s purely a coincidence…