{"id":3342,"date":"2013-12-12T08:24:11","date_gmt":"2013-12-12T08:24:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/crankpunk.com\/?p=3342"},"modified":"2013-12-17T05:22:54","modified_gmt":"2013-12-17T05:22:54","slug":"renowdens-riposte","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/2013\/12\/12\/renowdens-riposte\/","title":{"rendered":"Renowden’s Riposte!"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Tim Renowden<\/em><\/p>\n

Hairy-legged pack fodder? <\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Reader, a throwaway line in fellow Crankpunker Cam Whiting\u2019s excellent piece this week<\/a> has got me all het up and ready to overreact.<\/p>\n

A slur that cannot be ignored:<\/p>\n

\u201cEven if you\u2019re still fitter than the average hairy-legged newbie pack fodder\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Pack fodder? Newbie? Me?<\/p>\n

This backhander cannot, must not, be allowed to stand. If deliberately cherry-picking a throwaway line and ranting hysterically about it is wrong, then I\u2019m about to be very wrong.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Being a hairy-legged cyclist is no shameful thing, Dear Reader. Allow me to explain why.<\/p>\n

1. The element of surprise<\/span><\/p>\n

The prejudices of the shaven are their greatest weakness. So dazzled are they by their silky calves and well-defined musculatures, their aerodynamic skin and clean silhouettes, that they dismiss the hairy bloke on sight.<\/p>\n

The smooth-legged, secure in the misguided belief that shaving down confers extra watts, often interpret hair as a guarantee of inexperience and a lack of fitness.<\/p>\n

I regularly spot a smooth-legged gent on five-figures worth of carbon bling, giving me the dismissive glance through his shades at the lights.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, that bloke doesn\u2019t even shave, what a newbie\u201d, whispers the straw man in my head.<\/p>\n

Little does my nemesis suspect.<\/p>\n

Just as a sniper wears a ghillie suit [it’s camouflage clothing, apparently – cp.<\/em>] to disguise his true threat, the hirsute cyclist gives such a fuzzy impression to the smug razor enthusiast.<\/p>\n

This just heightens the pleasure of a swift headshot to his pride on the next Strava segment.<\/p>\n

2. Breaking the Rules.<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all read The Rules<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Rule 33: Shave Your Guns.<\/p>\n

\"m-i-x-y-840x550\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It seems clean cut.<\/p>\n

\u201cLegs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche..\u201d<\/p>\n

Challenge accepted.<\/p>\n

Plus I saw Richie Porte break Rule 56 last week, so I reckon we all get at least one free pass.<\/p>\n

3. Being a Fakenger<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone knows bike messengers are cool. They\u2019re the trendsetting punk rebels of the bike world. Hard-drinking vegans with serious attitude, lots of crash stories, and a permanent layer of road grime.<\/p>\n

You know those guys who dress like bike messengers, drink cheap beer like bike messengers, have tattoos like bike messengers, ride fixies like bike messengers, and generally ride like complete arseholes – like bike messengers – but work in IT?<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t be one of those guys unless you have hairy legs.<\/p>\n

\"she's<\/a>
she’s breakin’ ALL the rules, even if she is a bike messenger…<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

4. Shaving sucks<\/span><\/p>\n

I used to shave my legs. There\u2019s nothing worse than getting a massage with a full winter coat, so if you\u2019re getting a regular rub, then fair play to you.<\/p>\n

But by golly gosh is shaving a pain.<\/p>\n

An hour in the bath with the clippers and a desperate hope that nobody sees you like this.<\/p>\n

A 4-pack of downpayment on the Gillette CEO\u2019s new summer house.<\/p>\n

Hot wax.<\/p>\n

Those chemicals that melt the hair and smell like a tyre fire in a soap factory.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re a bloke with shanks like a moose, there\u2019s just no good way of getting smooth legs.<\/p>\n

5. You\u2019ll never be a Rapha model<\/span><\/p>\n

Those moody desaturated videos of impossibly stylish cyclists spinning up craggy climbs while a voiceover dribbles on about the experience over a backdrop of minimal downtempo electronica?<\/p>\n

You will never be in one of those if you have hairy legs, because they just don\u2019t look good enough in the photos.<\/p>\n

Nobody can see your ripped calves and bulging quads. Your tan lines are blurred. Your knees look funny. You\u2019re probably not wearing $350 worth of lycra.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re not a sponsored rider, you\u2019re not a pro, and you\u2019re not here to look good.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re here to ride yourself into the ground, to taste metal, and to thrash your mates. It ain\u2019t a fashion show…<\/p>\n

Pack fodder indeed!<\/p>\n

\"if<\/a>
if it’s good enough for Burt, it’s good enough for Tim… apparently (image from the excellent JVA<\/a>)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Tim Renowden Hairy-legged pack fodder? Dear Reader, a throwaway line in fellow Crankpunker Cam Whiting\u2019s excellent piece this week has got me all het up and ready to overreact. A slur that cannot be ignored: \u201cEven if you\u2019re still fitter than the average hairy-legged newbie pack fodder\u2026\u201d Pack fodder? Newbie? Me? This backhander cannot, must not, be allowed to stand. If deliberately cherry-picking a throwaway line and ranting hysterically about it is wrong, then I\u2019m about to be very wrong.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":40955418,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_crdt_document":"","wpupg_custom_link":[],"wpupg_custom_link_behaviour":[],"wpupg_custom_link_nofollow":[],"wpupg_custom_image":[],"wpupg_custom_image_id":[],"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Renowden's Riposte!","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"_wpas_customize_per_network":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2014408],"tags":[6403,203232942,767233535,20443,62948,367527,129846,125839042],"class_list":["post-3342","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-other-contributors","tag-shaving","tag-cam-whiting","tag-cycling","tag-fodder","tag-legs","tag-pack","tag-shave","tag-tim-renowden"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2OfoS-RU","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3281,"url":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/2013\/12\/09\/getting-on-its-all-downhill-from-here\/","url_meta":{"origin":3342,"position":0},"title":"getting on – it’s all downhill from here","author":"Lee Rodgers","date":"12\u6708 9, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"by Cam Whiting, the man behind CyclingIQ. are you edging beyond your summer? creeping like gathering moss into mid-autumn? if so, you may want to look away now... \u00a0 There\u2019s no point in trying to kid yourself. 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It's been a blast, seriously. One guy who came to me with a list of weaknesses twice as long as his list of strengths was Rafael Leyson Amorganda from\u2026","rel":"","context":"coach","block_context":{"text":"coach","link":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/tag\/coach\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Rafael in the Tour of Subic, putting down the hammer!","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/10314634_4163615025624_8894209603061088297_n.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/10314634_4163615025624_8894209603061088297_n.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/10314634_4163615025624_8894209603061088297_n.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/10314634_4163615025624_8894209603061088297_n.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":5124,"url":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/2014\/11\/30\/to-shave-and-to-shave-there-is-no-question\/","url_meta":{"origin":3342,"position":2},"title":"to shave and to shave – there is no question","author":"Lee Rodgers","date":"11\u6708 30, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"has to be done. and this is why. thanks to Dr. Conor McGrane for this one.","rel":"","context":"cycling","block_context":{"text":"cycling","link":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/tag\/cycling\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/10426096_232098540297266_8936295223193993077_n.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/10426096_232098540297266_8936295223193993077_n.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/10426096_232098540297266_8936295223193993077_n.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1920,"url":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/2013\/05\/10\/cp-pez-the-giro-stage-5\/","url_meta":{"origin":3342,"position":3},"title":"cp & Pez & the Giro, stage 5","author":"Lee Rodgers","date":"5\u6708 10, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Marco Canola rode the longest single kilometer of his life on Stage 5 and almost won the day. so close but so very, very far away... read all about it here on PEZ through the rheumy eyes of crankpunk... \u00a0 or, read it here below: \u00a0 \"I was about to\u2026","rel":"","context":"giro d'italia","block_context":{"text":"giro d'italia","link":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/tag\/giro-ditalia\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/05\/john-degenkolb-reels-in-e-008.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2750,"url":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/2013\/09\/13\/mongolia-bike-challenge-days-3-4\/","url_meta":{"origin":3342,"position":4},"title":"Mongolia Bike Challenge: Days 3 & 4","author":"Lee Rodgers","date":"9\u6708 13, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"ah, found em! MBC: Tales from the Knobbly Side, Part 2 \u00a0 \u00a0 Day 3: 53km, elevation unknown Rumors round the dinner tent of rain and dropping temperatures brought a sense of dread to the competitors of the 2013 Mongolia MTB Challenge, as ahead of us the next day lay\u2026","rel":"","context":"crankpunk racing","block_context":{"text":"crankpunk racing","link":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/category\/crankpunk-racing\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/maskara_imatges_encarrera-17.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/maskara_imatges_encarrera-17.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/maskara_imatges_encarrera-17.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/maskara_imatges_encarrera-17.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":5842,"url":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/2015\/03\/04\/arnie-mostowy-hitler-and-the-dopers\/","url_meta":{"origin":3342,"position":5},"title":"Arnie Mostowy, Hitler and The Dopers","author":"Lee Rodgers","date":"3\u6708 4, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Brilliant. I use that word a lot but this work by Arnie Mostowy justifies it. Is Hitler funny? He is when he's portrayed as one of the US DoperClique getting pissed off at being busted for taking PEDs. Lance had his tent, Hitler had his bunker. Wonder if he shaved\u2026","rel":"","context":"videos","block_context":{"text":"videos","link":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/category\/videos\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/screen-shot-2015-03-04-at-10-08-55.png?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/screen-shot-2015-03-04-at-10-08-55.png?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/screen-shot-2015-03-04-at-10-08-55.png?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/crankpunk.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/screen-shot-2015-03-04-at-10-08-55.png?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]}],"rttpg_featured_image_url":null,"rttpg_author":{"display_name":"Lee Rodgers","author_link":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/author\/crankpunk\/"},"rttpg_comment":1,"rttpg_category":"other contributors<\/a>","rttpg_excerpt":"by Tim Renowden Hairy-legged pack fodder? Dear Reader, a throwaway line in fellow Crankpunker Cam Whiting\u2019s excellent piece this week has got me all het up and ready to overreact. A slur that cannot be ignored: \u201cEven if you\u2019re still fitter than the average hairy-legged newbie pack fodder\u2026\u201d Pack fodder? Newbie? Me? This backhander cannot,…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3342","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/40955418"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3342"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3342\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17084,"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3342\/revisions\/17084"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3342"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3342"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crankpunk.com\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3342"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}