Category: stuff

The CrankPunk Bike Room

We’re missing the beer fridge and the BBQ still but I’m working on it.

Finally, after years of having all my bike gear crammed into a space that made it more like the compactor room in Star Wars –

my old bike room

my old bike room

– I now have a proper dedicated space to all things bike. Oh and a widescreen TV, also missing. Damn. But we’re getting there!

Wiggins pissed up on the Graham Norton show


We all know Wiggo enjoys a pint or 8 but this is a bit cringeworthy in places!

“Love, wipe me arse.” Classy, Sir Brad!

“There’s a race in March called Milan-San Remo, which goes from Milan to San Remo.”


Ah well, at least it wasn’t on national TV or anything…

He talks about how little he enjoyed the Tour he won and how he’s aiming for Paris-Roubaix in 2015. And about his Nan used to urinate in her pants when she was cycling.

I swear.


crankpunk’s 2014: ‘swollen’ is the word

It’s been quite a year here at, quite a mad, mad 363 days and counting. The website has gone from strength to strength thanks largely to a bunch of angry Americans flipping out every time they hear the Holy Trinity (Lance, Levi & George) getting called out. I never go chasing numbers but I tell ya, touch a nerve there and it runs real deep.

One of the most bizarre moments on 2014 came lat one night when I was writing about George’s Gran Fraudo and decided to find him on Facebook. Amazingly, I did and even more amazingly, he replied to my message within 10 seconds.

30 seconds later, without me getting in touch with her. Betsy Andreu popped up in another FB message window. She finally got to ask him a few questions she’d been waiting to ask (through me), and it was all quite trippy. As the conversations were going a friend called me.

What are you doing? he asked.

Just talking to George Hincapie and Betsy Andreu, I replied.

Yeah right…

I started getting on Twitter more often, and found the maxim ‘too many tweets makes a tw#t’ to be very true indeed.

Cycling-wise, a weird year all in all. In March I had an infection that affected my immune system and caused my face to expand to a good 4 times it’s normal size, resulting in me frantically googling ‘face swollen like a chipmunk‘ as i lay on a gurney in a corridor in the hospital with a liter of antibiotics being fed into my arm.

terrified and still expanding

terrified and still expanding

When i walked into the cubicle in A&E where the doctor sat, he had his head down looking at some notes. When he looked up he gasped audibly.

Thanks for that, Doc.

I’ve had this chipmunk face on and off for 8 years, I read online in horror. I don’t go out anymore, I lost my job and there’s nothing it seems that can be done.

Which consoled me greatly, obviously. 12 hours I spent in that corridor, occasionally dragging my saggy chops and drip bag to the toilet, scaring women and children on the way. Lots of fun.

The results of a blood test came in – my white blood cell count was up to 14,000, about double the norm.

More googling led me, inevitably, to cancer. Lesson learnt here – never, ever self-diagnose an illness in the internet, because no matter what it is – stubbed toe, toothache or even a bad hair day, whatever – IT ALL LEADS TO THE BIG C.

Finally I got to see the specialist. I’d come to terms with my inevitable (according to The Internet) demise and realised that I’d given the life thing a decent go, seemed to have put in a half decent shift all in all and was ready for the worse from The Doc 2.

“Cancer?! Haha! No, salival gland infection. They’ve backed up and are causing all this swelling. Worst I’ve seen but it’ll be gone by tomorrow.’

Oh you lovely man! I almost kissed him, but I couldn’t feel my lips so rather than drooling on him I refrained.

Anyway, two weeks later and a good 5kg over race weight, I went to the inaugural 3-day Tour of Tayabas in the Philippines and won, much to my surprise.

Winning the GC and the Points Classification at Tayabas

winning the GC and the Points Classification at Tayabas

From then on in though it all went very roller-coaster, I was flying one week and very slow the next. More blood tests revealed all was well but still the fluctuations in form continued.

A crit win in the UK was followed by ten days in Belgium in April followed with Velo Classic Tours (thanks to PEZ Cycling News), affording me the opportunity to pray at the alters of Paris-Roubaix and the Tour of Flanders. That was just like heaven. Incredible.

Get that on the list, if you haven’t already done it.

My trip to the TransAlp MTB stage race was quite the disaster and saw me dragging a very sorry cp arse over the mountains in a state of sufferation every single minute of that beast of a race. Still, it was beautiful!

Next big race was the Mongolia Bike Challenge in August, where I started ok and just got stronger and stronger as the week went on, winning 4 stages in the Masters category and taking 3rd in the Open on the final day. Had my bike not exploded on Stage 3 I might have won the Masters and taken 3rd in the Open overall, but, if there’s one race where the results really do not matter, it is this one in Mongolia.

proper cranking in Mongolia

proper cranking in Mongolia

Professionally (and I mean job-wise) things have been interesting. I now work for both the Mongolia Bike Challenge and the Taiwan KOM Challenge as Director of Communications, and am the official coach of both those events, of the Taiwan Cyclist Federation and also of the biggest club in Singapore, ANZA Cycling.

The big highlight with regards to all that has been the emergence of the zero-tolerance rule with regards to former dopers competing in the KOM (and, soon to be announced officially, the MBC too). Next year will, I hope, see a union formed consisting of other like-minded race organisers.

My work for PEZ Cycling News is to increase in 2015 with more regular writing, the articles on The Roar will also continue as will, of course, crankpunk.

Very soon a reinvigorated will be on your screens, a new site that will bring together all the various stuff I get up to, writing, riding, coaching, brand consulting and event co-ordinating.

Huge thank you to my sponsors, CCN, Lezyne, BLK TEC, 720Armour, Lapierre, and Xendurance. The depth of support these guys provide is fantastic.

Then there are the Crank Punk Coaching Systems clients also, who, well, have been phenomenal. It’s not rocket science, I tell them when they come on board, but it does take a chunk of effort. This year has seen some fantastic transformations, people hitting their targets and going beyond them, and a bunch of podiums that are always a nice cherry on the old cake.

Ladies and gentleman, your endeavor and motivation to crank it really humbles me, I sincerely mean that. Cheers!

Finally I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who comes in to read my scribblings here, sometimes it’s 1,000 a day, sometimes it’s 50,000. You guys make the effort worthwhile, many, many thanks.

Merry (belated) Xmas and Happy New Year!

And finally, I have a CrankBump on the way – or rather, Missus CrankPunk has one.

Yes, a little BabyPunk is on her way, due May 6th.


Alright alright, don’t get all emotional on me.. Sniff.

Let us all crank on.

And remember:





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coming soon, and hopefully without spelling mistakes

Balls Out: naked cyclist fined for not wearing a helmet


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well, this certainly brings new meaning to that phrase.

wonder if he was on the rivet?

ah the pedantry of The Law. some dude in New Zealand is caught under the influence of alcohol and naked, whilst riding a bike. and is charge not with indecent exposure but with riding without a helmet.

reminds me of the English couple having sex on a packed train whilst all the other passengers pretend nothing is happening. when the couple had finished their tryst and lit up cigarettes, however, a gent looks over and says ‘Excuse me, but this is a no smoking car.’

reminded me also of the Swedish guy who was caught having sex with a bike. he punctures the tyre than er, takes care of himself. i told this story to a bike buddy of mine last week and he didn’t believe me. here is the video evidence:

back to the naked NZ guy. not sure if didn’t get busted for indecency on the grounds that the cops just couldn’t be bothered or if it was just too cold for the biker to actually offend anyone:

‘Timaru police Senior Sergeant Randel Tikitiki told that the man was not charged for indecent exposure because that would “depend on what could be seen.”‘


cycling posters! thanks Liz!

what a find, and thanks to Liz Newbery for this.

a bicycle posters page on FB. one of the best things i’ve seen on FB, in all honesty!

that’s the great, truly great thing about the bike – it just makes you smile, and there’s plenty in these beauties to smile about.


Dave Christensen, filmmaker

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i know some very talented and pleasant human beings, and one of them is Dave Christensen.

Dave makes films and very good ones at that. On top of that he’s a pretty decent bike rider too.

his new website is Il Gregario, showcasing his work.

if you ever need a movie making, he’s yer man. check out the link above to see more of his stuff.