Category: lancecrank

let them eat crack



wonder drug…


“Growth hormone is naturally produced in the pituitary gland, and influences the overall mental and physical growth of an individual. It stimulates the growth of internal organs including bones, and plays a major role in homeostatic mechanisms, immune system processes, cell division, fat and glucose metabolism, and several other cellular processes. It is secreted by the body during growth years, and peaks during puberty. The levels of this hormone begin to decline after physical and reproductive maturation.”From its use as a treatment option for HGH deficiency, back in the first half of 20th century, this hormone has come a long way to become one of the most popular performance-enhancing drugs. This is because of the ability to synthesize recombinant growth hormone (rHGH) in the lab as against the earlier method of extraction from human cadavers.

“The therapeutic use of HGH is considered to be safe, and is legally approved. However, the off-label use and overdose of HGH for weight loss, muscle building, anti-aging benefits, etc. has been associated with certain adverse effects.”

so what are the benefits of administering HGH and why do cyclists and other athletes take it?
let’s have a look at the results of a study undertaken by three American doctors:

HGH Benefits assessments on Strength, Exercise & Body Fat:

showed an 88% increase in muscle strength

showed an 81% increase in muscle size

showed an 72% improvement in body fat loss

showed an 81% improvement in exercise tolerance

showed an 83% improvement in exercise endurance

HGH Benefits assessments Skin & Hair:

showed a 71% improvement in skin texture

showed a 68% improvement in skin thickness

showed a 71% improvement in skin elasticity

showed a 51% improvement on wrinkle disappearance

showed a 38% improvement towards new hair growth

HGH Benefits for Healing, Flexibilty, & Resistance:

showed a 55% improvement of healing old injuries

showed a 61% improvement of healing other injuries

showed a 71% improvement on healing capacity

showed a 53% improvement on back flexibility

showed a 73% improvement on resistance to common illness

HGH Benefits for Sexual Dysfunction Function:

showed a 75% improvement in sexual potency and frequency

showed a 62% improvement in the duration of penile erection

showed a 57% improvement on frequency of nighttime urination

showed a 58% improvement on hot flashes

showed a 38% improvement on menstrual cycle regulation

L Cass Terry, M.D., Ph.D. and Edmund Chein, M.D

‘sexual dysfunction function’?

ok so, not only does HGH seem to perfect for pro athletes, it is also, it seems, perfect for the bedroom athlete too…

here’s a breakdown of what the drug will do over a 6-month period:

  1. FIRST MONTH of hgh use: more energy, better sleep, and a better attitude on life.
  2. SECOND MONTH of hgh use: better muscle tone, healthier sexual function, better nail growth, clearer skin tone, some weight loss and a better muscle tone.
  3. THIRD MONTH of hgh use: improved mental capacity, bigger muscles, less fat, hair growth, better mood, more flexibility and stronger sexual desire.
  4. FOURTH MONTH of hgh use: improved mental capacity, bigger muscles, less fat, hair growth, better mood, more flexibility and stronger sexual desire. (Similar to the 3rd month)
  5. FIFTH MONTH of hgh use: significant weight loss and a more toned body with less fat, a healthier looking skin with better elasticity and appearance and significantly less wrinkles, and healthier hair.
  6. SIXTH MONTH of hgh use: most of the changes take place at this stage! the body becomes more contoured with less cellulite, the immune system strengthens, chronic pain might disappear, vision might improve, blood pressure might improve and cholesterol levels might drop.

and some of the side effects:

“Studies regarding the changes in physical composition owing to the administration of HGH, revealed the development of carpal tunnel syndrome as one of the many HGH side effects. It is characterized by pinching of the median nerve, which runs from the forearm to the palm. This leads to:♦ Weakened grip
♦ Weakness in hand(s)
♦ Clumsy finger movements
♦ Elbow pain
♦ Finger and wrist pain
♦ Numbness/tingling in hands

Other side effects:
♦ Extended belly
♦ Muscle and joint pain
♦ Increased body hair
♦ Increased hunger
♦ High cholesterol levels
♦ Abnormal fat distribution
♦ Tissue edema
♦ Dry and itchy skin
♦ Altered glucose metabolism
and the long term risks:
Prolonged use of HGH has been associated with an increased risk for:♦ Diabetes
♦ Liver damage
♦ Hypothyroidism
♦ Heart enlargement
♦ Hardening of arteries
♦ Gynecomastia (enlarged breast tissue in men)

now, back to our hallowed cheating athletes. remember that most of these guys take not only HGH but also EPO and in some cases cortisone and other steroids. the ‘Cancer Cocktail’, you might call it. seriously. read this:

Anabolic steroid and peptide hormones or growth factors are utilized to increase the performance of athletes of professional or amateur sports.

Despite their well-documented adverse effects, the use of some of these agents has significantly grown and has been extended also to non-athletes

with the aim to improve appearance or to counteract ageing. Pre-clinical studies and epidemiological observations in patients with an excess of

hormone production or in patients chronically treated with hormones/growth factors for various pathologies have warned about the potential risk

of cancer development and progression which may be also associated to the use of certain doping agents. Anabolic steroids have been described

to provoke liver tumours; growth hormone or high levels of its mediator insulin-like growth factor-1 (IGF-1) have been associated with colon,

breast, and prostate cancers. Actually, IGF-1 promotes cell cycle progression and inhibits apoptosis either by triggering other growth factors or by

interacting with pathways which have an established role in carcinogenesis and cancer promotion. More recently, the finding that erythropoietin

(Epo) may promote angiogenesis and inhibit apoptosis or modulate chemo- or radiosensitivity in cancer cells expressing the Epo receptor, raised

the concern that the use of recombinant Epo to increase tissue oxygenation might favour tumour survival and aggressiveness.

Cancer risk associated to doping might be higher than that of patients using hormones/growth factors as replacement therapy, since enormous

doses are taken by the athletes often for a long period of time. Moreover, these substances are often used in combination with other licit or illicit

drugs and this renders almost unpredictable all the possible adverse effects including cancer. Anyway, athletes should be made aware that long-term

treatment with doping agents might increase the risk of developing cancer.

[taken from a pdf that can be found here: – entitled ‘Doping with growth hormone/IGF-1, anabolic steroids or

erythropoietin: is there a cancer risk?’ by Lucio Tentori ∗, Grazia Graziani, Department of Neuroscience, University of Rome]

so yeah, let them eat crack. let them all dope. they might die a premature death, but who gives a f*ck? it’s just the way the world is, right? our athletes are so driven to win, so blinded by the $ signs, so desperate to be praised and put on a pedestal for simply riding a bike fast or throwing a ball hard and accurately – skills which, just in case it need be mentioned, mean almost nothing to the kind of human being they are – that they will take the risk of having a cinder black colon by the time they’re 42.

and we can’t get enough of it. we’ve seen our sport’s stars driven to the bottle, the madhouse and the grave by whatever it was in them that made them do it and in us that cheered them on. more will die. right now there are men in their 40s who took all this crap who are pissing into bags or on their third stroke already, people you’ll never hear about cos they aren’t famous enough and they’re demise isn’t as spectacular as others. no, for them it’s a far more grisly, lingering descent into nothingness.

is the way it’s supposed to be? like many things in this world, i look at it all and figure it’s hard to conceive it could be any more wrong…

Armstrong blows

wait, or does he get blown? or was that Bill? and who had the stain, in the end? was it Monica? or Hilary? or… what? Lance’s kids? ah dammit, crankpunk’s all confused.


still, no need to worry  because in just about a decade the world’s favorite reptile-human hybrid will be Our President (and when i say Our i mean America’s, by which i mean The World’s, by which I mean, as i wrote in the first place, Our). or at least, i think that’s what he’s on about.

yesterday’s version of VeloNation had the report about LA comparing himself to Bill Clinton, spinning a slippery, silvery, deep throat thread between his decade plus of serious PED abuse and attacks on just about everyone’s character with Ol’ Bill’s ‘misdemeanour’ – as delivered by the lips of one Monica Lewinsky.

never in the history of man has a blowjob been quite so good and yet so ultimately harmful, one suspects, even though, again, ultimately, Ol’ Bill ‘Check Out My Election Pole’ Clinton managed to wiggle out of it, much as about 3.68 million of his sperm also did, over and down Monica’s dress.


‘i love the Oral Office,’ said America’s sax-loving Prez at the time, which was all the time, with a wink and a nudge…

“Ultimately, people forgive and forget and remember the good stuff you did,” Armstrong said in an interview with Texas Monthly recently. “Is it hard to do? Yeah. But Clinton did it – he loves to work, he loves people, he loves to hustle.

“He’s a hero of mine. He’s a tough guy, he’s smart, surrounded himself with good people,” he said. “Like Johan, Pat, that doctor with the Ferrari, Hein and the Yes Crew,” he didn’t say but really should of.

In a moment that left me wondering just what planet LA actually lives on, he had the temerity to say: “It’s ‘Act 3.’ It’s all these things that people think about in Shakespearean terms.”

whuuuuuuuut? what was that Marx said? ‘Jesus my eyebrows are getting out of hand…’

Groucho, also a fan of cigars

Groucho: he too was orally fixated but not so big on dialectical materialism

no, the other Marx… ‘history repeats itself, first as tragedy, secondly as farce,’ that was it. LA’s story is that, more Marxian than Shakespearean. there are no redeeming features in LA’s story. it’s just a tragical farce, or maybe a farcical tragedy. but he doesn’t get to have an ‘Act 3′, right? well, he does if he has anything to do with it.

not content with taking up even more than his allocated oxygen supply for a lifetime, he soldiered on, hoisting more and more soil over his shoulder as an 8-man legal team mopped his sweaty brow.

“The stain’s not going away – my girls will grow into it. My two little ones will grow into it. This stain will live forever. I’ll never get rid of it,” he bleated. “I’ll just try and do the best for my family, my community, my constituency – whatever that may be…’

my CONSTITUENCY! i called this ages ago, LA for Governor. coming soon to a state full of loons near you.

“There are days,” he said, “I think, ‘I shouldn’t have done the interview (with Oprah)’. But then I see my kids, see the way they’re acting, the way they’re interacting. I see the way my son plays basketball, the way he hustles, the way he’s focused. I see a different kid.”

[cue images of apple pie, puppies, Liberty, the 4th of July, Mother Theresa french kissing an orphan back to life, a hamburger and fireworks that write ‘U.S.L.A!’ in the sky]

America, you cannot let this man back. you just can’t. please, whatever you do, just say no to crack – i mean, Lance… and crack, say no to crack too, but say no to Lance first…

to LanceCrack

to LanceCrack

we’ve only got ourselves to blame…

i'm just having a lie down...

i’m just having a lie down…

as a freelance journalist i’m often in touch with the editor’s and sub-editors of some of the world’s leading cycling magazines, a couple of whom have told me that they’ve had a significant increase on the cancellation of subscriptions – the reason? LanceGate. in January’s Cycle Sport magazine, one Kevin Gately of New Joyzey sent in a letter which explains the thinking behind his own decision to stop buying his once-beloved monthly magazine:

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is cycling unfairly singled out for doping? Tygart says no

“Somebody said the mob left Vegas and it took over US Postal Pro Cycling team. That’s how they operate. The evidence supports it. Our notice letter used terms like ‘enforcer’ and ‘omerta’ and ‘code of silence’. They are powerful and strong and serious words. But the evidence that supports that is serious too. If anything it was an understatement.”

Travis Tygart

Travis Tygart

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The Hate & the mighty thumping fall of Monsieur Lance



La Haine (1995, dir. Matthieu Kassovitz) is one of crankpunk’s favorite films. set across Paris and filmed in stunning black and white, it follows three friends from a housing estate as they struggle to come to terms with police brutality, poverty and a searing sense of hopelesness. in it, a character called Hubert gets philosophical and delivers these memorable lines:

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Lance tweets photo with his Tour jerseys

now that Lance faces no further drug tests, it’s his turn to try to take the piss…

good ol’ Lance, what a wonderful sense of humor he has. here he is pictured above with a series of yellow jerseys that mean nothing whatsoever…

you have to wonder about the state of mind of the guy – or rather, the mindset, because he’s been like this for as long as the world has known him. petty, indignant, short-tempered, vindictive, &, well, quite the little Princess really – and here he is trying to annoy… who, exactly? this gesture, he may contend, is for his fans, but if they’re buoyed by as cheap a shot as this then things must be hard indeed in WeStillLoveLanceLand.

this is the not much more than the schoolyard bully taunting you with your stolen Twizzler in his hand. in fact, it’s worse than that, because those jerseys represent so very little, other than 7 hollow victories. do we care that he was possibly the best rider of that doped generation? not if we have sense. he, along with Verbruggen & co., engendered that culture, supported it, thrived in it. if there’s one thing missing from this image, it’s a bag of blood on a stand dripping into his raised left arm…

nice try Lance. that might have worked back in 6th grade, but not anymore. it’s not a sense of indignation in his detractors that he’s summoned with this, though certainly not pity either. if anything, it’s exactly what they’d expect. a tired, sad, futlie gesture that proves nothing but the fact that he has completely lost any sense of perspective, any sense of what might be better for the sport he proclaims to love. hopefully Bruyneel will go through with his appeal against USADA’s ruling and LA’ll be indicted, and then he can turn up to court wearing all of his 7 yellowed jerseys.

until then, i guess he’ll just keep on being Lance…

Will Routley eloquently and forcefully writes about doping

excellent piece here from fellow racer Will Routley, that i’ll copy and repeat in full.

this originally appeared in The Vancouver Sun


SpiderTech’s Will Routley

“I had no choice, I had to ‘cross the line’ or end my dream.” This is just a taste of the utter garbage that has filled my ears as of late.

To say I am frustrated would be an understatement. Cyclists are coming out of the woodwork at the moment — big name athletes admitting to doping. I use the term ‘admitting’ loosely, as in reality they have been caught and forced to come clean. Canadian legend Michael Barry is on the list, many American superstars are on the list; it is saddening to say the least.

Throughout this ordeal I have noticed that we are primarily hearing interviews and opinions coming from the dopers themselves. I am wondering where the opinion of a real, clean athlete is, so I’m going to offer one.

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